A soul makeover.

I've been in a little bit of a funk lately. I am not feeling that great about myself. I think I am focusing too much on the things I want to change about myself, rather then the greatness. I want more out of my life. I feel like I need to do something, shake things up.

I feel like I need to be more forgiving to the things I don't get done. I am not superwoman, although I would love to be. I have a responsibility to my children. I just want the best for them, as any mother does. No one is perfect. I just want to be the best I can be.

Almost a year.

I turn 31 in 11 days! I can't say that I'm excited at all. I don't have any plans, and my best friend lives hours away. I am going to try to make the best of it. Maybe I will make some cupcakes and the kids can do the decorating. I know that it will be fine. I just wanted more because it was not a happy birthday last year.

This year has been an interesting one. I have spent most of this year watching my little girl grow. I have been trying to grow myself, in a soul expanding kind of way. I have been struggling lately with self worth. I feel like I am lacking in a few areas of my life and my self esteem is being affected. I just need to find that thing that makes me feel better about myself.

I have had no love life what so ever. That has taken its toll on me. I feel unattractive and lonely. I think I have been single for way to long and its turning me into a loner. I can't even imagine sharing my bed with someone or my remote. How will I ever share my life with someone?

I do know that good things are coming. New changes that are exciting, are about to happen. I hope by Christmas to be in a new place. I'm just crossing my fingers that I can find a place that I like and that fits all the guidelines that it needs to. Change is good.

Brain brew.

I have so much on my mind. I am trying to keep my brain in check, trying to not stress on things that can be fixed with a little bit of work. This problem/minor set back, is not the end all be all. I just need to make some phone calls and do a little research. My issue is that I need daycare for my children. My current situation is changing and I can't help but feel a little shaken. Everything has been going so smoothly. I fear this kind of change. There is nothing I can do about this at this exact moment, so why stress. It is the foundation has been cracked. Without daycare, no work, without work, no money. And everyone knows what happens when you have no money.

Alright, I am putting my stress away. I will solve this. I just need to pray...........

I hate your %&#ing face!

Just seeing his face make me irate. Ew, he looks like he has aged five years in only one. I didn't expect to see his face on this certain website. (yes, it's a dating website) I have been on there, undisturbed from any ex's, for a while. His little picture just brought out some emotions for me, most of those are angry ones. I just hate him. I don't wish him any happiness in life. I know he doesn't deserve to be happy. I hope he thinks about the daughter he has totally abandoned and it hurts him. I hope it digs a hole at him and eats him away until there is nothing left.

I don't like all of this anger towards him but I embrace it. I deserve to be angry. 

Old friends.

As we get older, we have friends that come and go in our lives. For some, there are good reasons, for others you just seem to lose touch.

I have let go of a long friendship. Maybe I haven't let go yet because I seem to have some strong feelings brewing right now because I have seen her "new" Facebook page. It's so pathetic, this alter ego that she has seemed to take. This is not her only Facebook page. This one is using the last name of her on and off boyfriend that abuses her. I have so many emotions flooding through. She is a stranger now.

There are so many things that I see in her life that, for me, are moraly wrong. I immediately feel bad for judging her. Who am I to judge? I struggle with the fact of people judging me all the time. I feel like a hypocrite. Maybe the only thing to do now is pray....

Something's got to give.

I've been feeling very inadequate lately, like I'm not good enough. I hate when these feelings come along. I feel like I have been so lazy and never really tried to make something of myself. I hate these feelings and I try to push them aside. I know I am a great mother and a hard ass worker. I am very independent and  I like that I can provide for myself. I want more. I end up feeling sorry for myself. It only takes a few minutes to snap out of it but I am sick of feeling this way. I need a make-over for my life.

One of the things that triggers my feelings is looking back at the people I went to school with back in my hometown. They all seem so successful and beautiful. I feel like an ugly failure. I feel like Jabba the Hut looks 10X better then me! (oh goodness I can't believe that I referenced to Star Wars)

Ok, enough is enough. It is time to clean my brain of these thoughts that are unhealthy. I need to stay focused on the positive and remember each and every BEAUTIFUL thing about myself. Maybe I need to go take some pictures. It seems like finding the beauty in everyday living things helps me to feel better about myself.

Leap and the net shall appear.

unused feelings.

I am curious what happens with certain feelings. What do we do when we have strong feelings for someone and they don't return them. Should you be with me just cause I think you're amazing. Do you expect me to be with you because YOU think I am amazing? What happens with those feelings of love if they don't reciprocate? Do they fade away? Do you just eventually forget these feelings? Do you just live on forever with this hole?