I hate your %&#ing face!

Just seeing his face make me irate. Ew, he looks like he has aged five years in only one. I didn't expect to see his face on this certain website. (yes, it's a dating website) I have been on there, undisturbed from any ex's, for a while. His little picture just brought out some emotions for me, most of those are angry ones. I just hate him. I don't wish him any happiness in life. I know he doesn't deserve to be happy. I hope he thinks about the daughter he has totally abandoned and it hurts him. I hope it digs a hole at him and eats him away until there is nothing left.

I don't like all of this anger towards him but I embrace it. I deserve to be angry. 

Old friends.

As we get older, we have friends that come and go in our lives. For some, there are good reasons, for others you just seem to lose touch.

I have let go of a long friendship. Maybe I haven't let go yet because I seem to have some strong feelings brewing right now because I have seen her "new" Facebook page. It's so pathetic, this alter ego that she has seemed to take. This is not her only Facebook page. This one is using the last name of her on and off boyfriend that abuses her. I have so many emotions flooding through. She is a stranger now.

There are so many things that I see in her life that, for me, are moraly wrong. I immediately feel bad for judging her. Who am I to judge? I struggle with the fact of people judging me all the time. I feel like a hypocrite. Maybe the only thing to do now is pray....

Something's got to give.

I've been feeling very inadequate lately, like I'm not good enough. I hate when these feelings come along. I feel like I have been so lazy and never really tried to make something of myself. I hate these feelings and I try to push them aside. I know I am a great mother and a hard ass worker. I am very independent and  I like that I can provide for myself. I want more. I end up feeling sorry for myself. It only takes a few minutes to snap out of it but I am sick of feeling this way. I need a make-over for my life.

One of the things that triggers my feelings is looking back at the people I went to school with back in my hometown. They all seem so successful and beautiful. I feel like an ugly failure. I feel like Jabba the Hut looks 10X better then me! (oh goodness I can't believe that I referenced to Star Wars)

Ok, enough is enough. It is time to clean my brain of these thoughts that are unhealthy. I need to stay focused on the positive and remember each and every BEAUTIFUL thing about myself. Maybe I need to go take some pictures. It seems like finding the beauty in everyday living things helps me to feel better about myself.

Leap and the net shall appear.

unused feelings.

I am curious what happens with certain feelings. What do we do when we have strong feelings for someone and they don't return them. Should you be with me just cause I think you're amazing. Do you expect me to be with you because YOU think I am amazing? What happens with those feelings of love if they don't reciprocate? Do they fade away? Do you just eventually forget these feelings? Do you just live on forever with this hole? 

Looking back.

I have a horrible case of insomnia that it has caused me to read through some of my old blog posts. Some of them make me sad and some make me laugh. Reading though a post about running into my ex made me chuckle about how self conscience I felt in my huge winter jacket and my take out food. It's hard though, to go through the post when I was with my BD (baby daddy, yeah, I am going to use that term here) There were such crazy lustful feelings there. I still am mending that wound and I feel like I always will. UGH shake that off! I just want to put him out of my thoughts.

I have mixed feelings about looking back on my old posts. I sometimes want to change somethings that I wrote but, I never will. I am glad, however, that I feel like I have mentally come a long way in over a year.

I need to get to sleep. I have been having trouble sleeping lately and I blame it on the Olympics. I love watching the gymnastics. I will probably be up late again tomorrow watching it. My little girl has been being a bit of a night owl too. I guess that means I get to sleep in, which is nice. Really nice.

The Next Step.

I often find myself thinking about things, and goals in steps. I know what I want, just not the order I want it. I find this list growing larger and larger every now and then. I just don't know how I am going to do it all. I can count a few things off the list, which is nice.I know I can not expect to do things on my own, completely. If I ask for help I am not admitting defeat.

I seem to be struggling with self confidence lately. I know in my head that I am an awesome person but I linger on what people's impressions of me are. I don't like rejection (I mean who does?) I don't really like being disliked either. I sometimes feel that who I am on the outside is not who I am on the inside. I love the inside me much more. I have days that I am ok with the outside. I guess I figured that 30's were all about knowing who you are much more. I know a lot of people have confidence issues. I just truly want to believe it's what is on the inside that counts.

If anything I want my 30's to be about going for what I want. I don't want to be afraid. I want to learn from every fall and relish in my courage to attempt things scary and new.

I do feel like I have already learned some great lessons while being 30. It may not come with a precise age but I hold these lessons close. I know that the power of prayer is strong, and my spirituality is growing into something wonderful for myself. I have also learned that you can not force someone to be in your life, they have to want it. That last lesson is the one I am struggling with the most. I just feel like there is something I can do to show this person they should be around. Nope, they have to want it.