A soul makeover.

I've been in a little bit of a funk lately. I am not feeling that great about myself. I think I am focusing too much on the things I want to change about myself, rather then the greatness. I want more out of my life. I feel like I need to do something, shake things up.

I feel like I need to be more forgiving to the things I don't get done. I am not superwoman, although I would love to be. I have a responsibility to my children. I just want the best for them, as any mother does. No one is perfect. I just want to be the best I can be.

Almost a year.

I turn 31 in 11 days! I can't say that I'm excited at all. I don't have any plans, and my best friend lives hours away. I am going to try to make the best of it. Maybe I will make some cupcakes and the kids can do the decorating. I know that it will be fine. I just wanted more because it was not a happy birthday last year.

This year has been an interesting one. I have spent most of this year watching my little girl grow. I have been trying to grow myself, in a soul expanding kind of way. I have been struggling lately with self worth. I feel like I am lacking in a few areas of my life and my self esteem is being affected. I just need to find that thing that makes me feel better about myself.

I have had no love life what so ever. That has taken its toll on me. I feel unattractive and lonely. I think I have been single for way to long and its turning me into a loner. I can't even imagine sharing my bed with someone or my remote. How will I ever share my life with someone?

I do know that good things are coming. New changes that are exciting, are about to happen. I hope by Christmas to be in a new place. I'm just crossing my fingers that I can find a place that I like and that fits all the guidelines that it needs to. Change is good.

Brain brew.

I have so much on my mind. I am trying to keep my brain in check, trying to not stress on things that can be fixed with a little bit of work. This problem/minor set back, is not the end all be all. I just need to make some phone calls and do a little research. My issue is that I need daycare for my children. My current situation is changing and I can't help but feel a little shaken. Everything has been going so smoothly. I fear this kind of change. There is nothing I can do about this at this exact moment, so why stress. It is the foundation has been cracked. Without daycare, no work, without work, no money. And everyone knows what happens when you have no money.

Alright, I am putting my stress away. I will solve this. I just need to pray...........

I hate your %&#ing face!

Just seeing his face make me irate. Ew, he looks like he has aged five years in only one. I didn't expect to see his face on this certain website. (yes, it's a dating website) I have been on there, undisturbed from any ex's, for a while. His little picture just brought out some emotions for me, most of those are angry ones. I just hate him. I don't wish him any happiness in life. I know he doesn't deserve to be happy. I hope he thinks about the daughter he has totally abandoned and it hurts him. I hope it digs a hole at him and eats him away until there is nothing left.

I don't like all of this anger towards him but I embrace it. I deserve to be angry. 

Old friends.

As we get older, we have friends that come and go in our lives. For some, there are good reasons, for others you just seem to lose touch.

I have let go of a long friendship. Maybe I haven't let go yet because I seem to have some strong feelings brewing right now because I have seen her "new" Facebook page. It's so pathetic, this alter ego that she has seemed to take. This is not her only Facebook page. This one is using the last name of her on and off boyfriend that abuses her. I have so many emotions flooding through. She is a stranger now.

There are so many things that I see in her life that, for me, are moraly wrong. I immediately feel bad for judging her. Who am I to judge? I struggle with the fact of people judging me all the time. I feel like a hypocrite. Maybe the only thing to do now is pray....

Something's got to give.

I've been feeling very inadequate lately, like I'm not good enough. I hate when these feelings come along. I feel like I have been so lazy and never really tried to make something of myself. I hate these feelings and I try to push them aside. I know I am a great mother and a hard ass worker. I am very independent and  I like that I can provide for myself. I want more. I end up feeling sorry for myself. It only takes a few minutes to snap out of it but I am sick of feeling this way. I need a make-over for my life.

One of the things that triggers my feelings is looking back at the people I went to school with back in my hometown. They all seem so successful and beautiful. I feel like an ugly failure. I feel like Jabba the Hut looks 10X better then me! (oh goodness I can't believe that I referenced to Star Wars)

Ok, enough is enough. It is time to clean my brain of these thoughts that are unhealthy. I need to stay focused on the positive and remember each and every BEAUTIFUL thing about myself. Maybe I need to go take some pictures. It seems like finding the beauty in everyday living things helps me to feel better about myself.

Leap and the net shall appear.

unused feelings.

I am curious what happens with certain feelings. What do we do when we have strong feelings for someone and they don't return them. Should you be with me just cause I think you're amazing. Do you expect me to be with you because YOU think I am amazing? What happens with those feelings of love if they don't reciprocate? Do they fade away? Do you just eventually forget these feelings? Do you just live on forever with this hole? 

Looking back.

I have a horrible case of insomnia that it has caused me to read through some of my old blog posts. Some of them make me sad and some make me laugh. Reading though a post about running into my ex made me chuckle about how self conscience I felt in my huge winter jacket and my take out food. It's hard though, to go through the post when I was with my BD (baby daddy, yeah, I am going to use that term here) There were such crazy lustful feelings there. I still am mending that wound and I feel like I always will. UGH shake that off! I just want to put him out of my thoughts.

I have mixed feelings about looking back on my old posts. I sometimes want to change somethings that I wrote but, I never will. I am glad, however, that I feel like I have mentally come a long way in over a year.

I need to get to sleep. I have been having trouble sleeping lately and I blame it on the Olympics. I love watching the gymnastics. I will probably be up late again tomorrow watching it. My little girl has been being a bit of a night owl too. I guess that means I get to sleep in, which is nice. Really nice.

The Next Step.

I often find myself thinking about things, and goals in steps. I know what I want, just not the order I want it. I find this list growing larger and larger every now and then. I just don't know how I am going to do it all. I can count a few things off the list, which is nice.I know I can not expect to do things on my own, completely. If I ask for help I am not admitting defeat.

I seem to be struggling with self confidence lately. I know in my head that I am an awesome person but I linger on what people's impressions of me are. I don't like rejection (I mean who does?) I don't really like being disliked either. I sometimes feel that who I am on the outside is not who I am on the inside. I love the inside me much more. I have days that I am ok with the outside. I guess I figured that 30's were all about knowing who you are much more. I know a lot of people have confidence issues. I just truly want to believe it's what is on the inside that counts.

If anything I want my 30's to be about going for what I want. I don't want to be afraid. I want to learn from every fall and relish in my courage to attempt things scary and new.

I do feel like I have already learned some great lessons while being 30. It may not come with a precise age but I hold these lessons close. I know that the power of prayer is strong, and my spirituality is growing into something wonderful for myself. I have also learned that you can not force someone to be in your life, they have to want it. That last lesson is the one I am struggling with the most. I just feel like there is something I can do to show this person they should be around. Nope, they have to want it. 

So much to say...

There is just so much to say that I can't even seem to organize these thoughts of mine. I haven't blogged in quite a while and I feel it. I know that sounds strange. It is like I have no medium for these thoughts of mine to go so they just stay in there and marinate in my brain. There are a couple of things that have been weighing heavy on my mind. Oh man, this is going to take a while.

First of all, I have this friend who is, I guess you could say, estranged. I have known her for a long long time. I was probably about 16 when we met. I might have been a little bit younger but I can't remember. We have been through a lot together. We were pregnant together, twice. We've been through countless birthday parties and baby showers and barbecues. We took road trips together. This WAS a person I could trust. This WAS a person that knew me better then I knew myself. I looked up to her as a mother and a strong woman. Semi recently she went through a transformation. I was really excited for her. She was morbidly obese and had gastric bypass. We started off her journey by documenting a few weeks before hand. I have been going through some of these videos and I guess that is what brought on these feelings. I can't really remember the last time we hung out. I know that she came to my baby shower in September of 2011.
Now let me just say that her gastric bypass was over 2 years ago. I really just don't know what to think about this situation anymore. I sure do miss her though. I kind of feel like a bit of me is missing. I don't know any of these friends of hers now. I wonder what they would think of her before gastric bypass. I am jealous. They get her now but have not put in the time and the memories I have. I feel like I have lost her. I almost feel like she is dead.
One part of the videos that we took sticks out. She was asked if she thought she would lose any of her friends. She replied with a no and then went on to say she would probably only lose the overweight friends she had. If I knew then what I know now I probably would have begged her not to do it this way. This is all I can handle to write right now.